Sometimes my OCD, no matter how minor it actually is, is a complete pain. Tonight, for example, I cannot seem to relax my brain enough to go to sleep. Incessantly and annoyingly, I am running over the same track that I've run for over 3 years now, wondering what on earth is wrong with me that I am divorced and alone, while others I know have weathered their divorces, moved on, and in several cases, remarried.
I look in the mirror sometimes and criticize myself, knowing that surely here lies the reason for my being alone. Yet I'm not motivated enough to care to change. If I didn't "do" makeup as a teenager, it's not likely that I'm going to start 30 years later. I look at my overweight body and think, yeah, that's it, guys don't like fat chicks. But I'm not willing to go down the path of obsessing over my weight again just to attract someone.
I run over and over again over the track, reviewing again and again the accusations leveled at me, the shortcomings and flaws, and I wonder. Because that hasn't stopped him from being with someone with similar shortcomings, and more. I find myself wondering and wandering over the same thoughts, wondering what on earth is wrong with me, that I have few friends, no social life, and no one to love.
And there are no answers, I know this, because the questions aren't the right ones. The questions are based on a flawed self-image and flawed expectations. I am fully aware that my lack of a social life is largely of my own choosing, simply because I have made and continue to make lifestyle choices that limit my social interaction. Quite simply, I'm not willing to change myself to make myself more attractive to other people, either romantically or otherwise. So I need to quit bitching about something I'm not willing to change.
If my mind is like a greyhound, I need to get a gun and shoot the damn metal rabbit. I'd like to get off this track tonight.
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