Overthinking

So, I overthink.  This is the OCD part of me.  This is not a surprise to anyone who knows me well.  It's also not unique or special to me, I know, but I don't care about that.  I'm going to talk about meeeeeee right now.

I love my job; however, it's 3 to 6 hours a day of talking to folks who think they know what they need and want to tell me about it.  ADD loves the sheer number of folks who we get to talk to.  OCD stresses over the ones we can't help.  Many times they've been bounced around to multiple offices and agencies before they get to me.  At least half of the people I talk to, I have to tell that I am not the one to help them.  I try to give them the right number or website to call, but it doesn't always make for a happy person on the other end of the line.

All that to say, some days I am really tapped out in the sympathy-giving department.  I'm tired of hearing about people's problems and the fact that I probably helped half the a people I spoke to doesn't always help my attitude.  I work on this a lot.  However, often I have about 15 minutes to work on it and get my head in the right place during my drive home, because at home, my family has a whole 'nother set of needs.

Now, that's not to say that I'm any prize in the Betty Crocker Department.  Again, those who know me well would laugh themselves silly should I try to claim this.   Most days, I don't cook supper - the kids forage for themselves, and quite well, if one accounts for their growth in the last few years - the laundry is often done for me, and I often only supervise yardwork on the weekends.  But oh, the feels.  The feels are my department.  I'm good at figuring out when someone is at the mercy of the feels and when they need someone to take them out for an ice cream cone, listen to their woes, or give them a hug.  That part of motherhood, I take full credit for.  ADD is an excellent mommy.

But OCD, man, overthinks.  I overthink my kids' issues, which alternately irritates and amuses the Dear One.  I overthink my work issues, I overthink my relationships at church, with my extended family, my acquaintances and sometime-female-friends, as well as the other hats I wear, like serving on the Most Disliked Committee at church.  I even overthink Facebook.  Overthinking is honestly exhausting and it's a huge fault of mine.

So tonight I overthink an email received as part of the Most Disliked Committee sent by the pastor.  What I hear in it, is criticism of the committee and the job that we are doing, that I am doing.  That it's not enough.  I asked for clarification and I probably sounded pretty hostile.  A three-line email turned into a fifty-line email email.  It WAS clearer.  But I felt pretty small, like I had crossed some line of complaint.  And the fifty-line email, while clear and respectful, left me feeling really inadequate as a church member, a committee member, and as a person.  And I thought.  And thought some more.  And I'm trying not to make a snap decision about what I'm going to do, or not do, about what has been asked of me.  Because honestly, I don't have it in me to give one more thing right now.  I really don't.  And I feel pretty terrible about it.

I think I feel bad about it because what's been asked is about the feels.  It's about making people feel needed and wanted.  It's about all those intangible and tangible thoughtful things that people do.  And I have always really fell short on these.  I am the one who thinks about sending a card but does not.  I'm the one who thinks about calling you, but doesn't.  I'm likely to set aside plans to come to your funeral, or your family member's funeral, and give you a hug, but I didn't send flowers, and I won't remember to send you a card on the anniversary.  I'm a good listener - when we talk - but I won't reach out to you, because, well, I just don't.  I won't have you over to a cookout because I don't entertain.  I don't remember to entertain, and I break out into hives just thinking about all that responsibility.  (Don't even get me started on the class reunion I'm supposed to be trying to help plan.  My head is fully in the sand on that one.)

I accepted a long time ago that I don't have very many friends because I am not a good friend.  I'd say I don't know how to be, except that it's common sense stuff.  Invite people over and you'll get invited over.  Call folks, and they will call you.  Send cards, and people will do the same.  Reach out, and others will reach back.  I don't know why all that is hard for me.  I have spent time with people who will take what I give, but who don't give back.  That's because the people who will give, don't ask, and I don't reach out to them.  I don't know how.  And again, I'm overthinking it.  Fact is, I'm more of a loner than not and I'm simply not good at the social stuff, even when it looks like I am on the surface.  And the real friends I have, kind of get that about me and I sense don't really judge me for it.

So maybe OCD needs to quit overthinking it.  And ADD needs to suggest that we either recruit people to the Most Disliked Committee who can do this stuff, or figure out who's best at doing this and get them to do it.  Because I just can't be everything to everyone and I need to quit worrying about that.